Views on the Weakly News™

Hey, April is almost over. But the madness not. Let’s look at the weak as it happened.

1. Dude, I just smoked the house

Those bloody Aussies. They are taking us all for a ride. No wait. More like a riiiideeee, dude. And sometimes just taking the piss. But good for them. See, they are always trying to find new ways to pull a fast one – those damn Aussies. Give them half a chance… And now they are using the “green” debate out there to create new “eco-friendly” ways of living their lives. I always knew they were a bunch of pot smoking Irish convicts entrepreneurs. But the latest one take the cake. Or should I say “brownie” (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). The Aussies are now claiming that they are building “green” houses by using hemp. Yep. That’s pretty green hey. I think it is because they first have to dry out the leaves. What better way than build a house of dope leaves and leave it to the Australian sun to dry it out nicely. And when it is nice and dry? “Sorry officer, I have no idea how the fire started. The house just went off in flames…” Dude. What a plan, maaan. That’s dope man. And I mean it. But they didn’t stop there. The other question they faced? What to do with all that… hum… pee that comes from drinking too much XXXX. Just recycle it brother. Yes. Recycled water. I guess they can use that when they burn the house. Or burn the house when they drink the water. I would. Just to get the taste out my mouth. I think the Aussies are taking the piss.

2. Just bomb Global Warming

Okay, we are now officially… hum… you know… stuffed. Global Warming is going to wipe us out. Or maybe not. It seems as if we might now have two ways to die as Global Warming creeps up as bites us in the more delicate places. We can either fry in the heat or be bombed to smithereens. At least we have a choice now. All thanks to the Royal United Services Institute. And no, that isn’t some think-tank about Prince Charles and his bevy of servants – it’s the “leading forum in the UK for national and international Defence and Security”. Founded in 1831 by the Duke of Wellington, RUSI is the oldest institute of its kind in the world. Yes, the same guy who gave us those nice rubber boots to walk with in British crap rainy weather also gave us a think-tank to come up with new ways of justifying war. Thanks Duke. Anyway, the RUSI says that Global Warming will get so bad that we will go into wars that will last for centuries and will be worse than the previous two World Wars. So I guess we need more military funding then hey? Nice one – not even Dick could think of a better way to keep Halliburton in the black for a hundred years or more. I do see a little flaw in their argument though. If Global Warming will fry us all – how come we can still be alive to fight wars for a few hundred years? Hum… that’s the thinking part. You concentrated a little bit too much on the tank part buddy. DO YOU HEAR ME SOLDIER! OOH-RAH! (Sorry Marines.) Never mind, at least I will have those Wellington boots when the sea levels start rising.

3. ZZ Top

Yes, it is the battle of the Z’s. Zambia against Zimbabwe. And I am cheering for Zambia. I love Zambia. The most peaceful nation on earth. Never been in a war – internal or external. And you have to know Zambians to know why. The nicest people on earth. And they didn’t even have to build those Aussie “green” houses to be laid back. Okay, also one of the poorest nations on earth. But that didn’t stop them from standing up to the tyrant of the South – Mad Bob Mugabe. You see, China is trying to deliver some weapons to Zimbabwe. Yes, war and instability pays – just Halli and Burton. Back to the South. First the trade unions in South Africa refused to unload the weapons (well done comrades – what we call them back home). And they called Mad Bob out for the coward that he is. You don’t mess with a unionist in South Africa. The Teamsters are as tough as accountants compared to the South African version. If they say the ship won’t be unloaded… then the ship won’t be unloaded. Ever. Even the rats were to scared to make a move on the ship or dare get off the ship. Anyway, Zambia decided to show some political leadership sadly lacking from my own beloved government. President Mwanawasa from Zambia stood up and stood strong. Saying that any weapons delivered to Mad Bob’s puppets can and will undermine any possibility of breaking the violence and intimidation in Zimbabwe. And the Great Chinese ship turned around and headed back home. Head hanging down in shame and tail between their legs. I love Zambia even more. Now. If we can only get Mwanawasa to target a few other warmongers out there. Dick, you beter watch out. You might just piss off anger a Zambian. And as Mad Bob just realized, that ain’t no pretty thing to face.

4. Drive-thru shooting

“You talking to me? You talking to me?” Some of the last words heard at the McDonald’s drive-thru before the shoot-out at the OK Corral Golden Arches. You see, Makyala Hall went for her standard quality dinner at McDonalds and knew that you have to wait to get quality. I mean really, Le McDonald’s isn’t just some fast-food take-out joint. It’s the premier dinner destination in Tulsa. You’ll know what I mean if you’ve been to Tulsa. So Makyala waited patiently for her food at the rathole restaurant that inspired Gordon Ramsay. But after an hour she thought this might be taking a tad longer than what she expected. It is a crappy joint gourmet restaurant, but she ordered drive-thru. And she couldn’t idle her car waiting for her bag of fat handmade burger the whole evening – not with gas prices being the way they are. So she marched up to the manager and told him where to stick his fries where the burgers don’t fit. A super-sized verbal fight broke out and he flipped her faster than those patties. And then good old Madman Thurman showed up. The Cola dude from behind the counter. But he was off duty and stuffed with either beer or Quarter Pounders. In other words – he was drunk with power. I mean, he is the Spongebob of Tulsa. And he was faster on the draw than on the service. And shot the guy in the car behind Makayla when he interrupted their little argument about whether the King can take out Ronald. And all he wanted was some ketchup with his fries. He made it though. Still alive. But just. See the health nuts were right – McDonald’s can kill you.

5. A Bush I can get to like

And I am talking about the one on the left. Not the smiling paw-paw in the middle or the smiling papa on the right. They are so not cool. It’s drool, not cool. But Jenna. If you take the two pees peas puh-lease P’s away and she might just look like she is at a Metallica concert. Okay, not a fan of Metallica, but you get my drift. Anyway, it seems as if she might actually think before she decides who to vote for. Now stay with me people. Yes, a Bush that can think before they take an action. Any action. I know, this is revolutionary. Or maybe evolutionary, but it is happening. I actually don’t care who she votes for. I just like the fact that she refused to be put in a little box when asked who she will vote for. Remember, her mother was sitting next to her and just said that she will vote for “the Republican”. And when Larry asked Jenna? She said she wasn’t sure as she hasn’t made up her mind yet – and then followed this up with, “I mean, who isn’t open to learning about the candidates and I’m sure that everybody is like that“. Huh-duh, like half the US isn’t open to learn sweetheart. Okay Larry, you actually got someone to not agree with their mother in public. I hope you feel proud. You should. Great work Jenna. Now, if only I can talk to you about a little war thing going on.

That’s all folks. Have a good one and speak to you later.

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Views on the Weakly News™

Another week. And more of the weak.

1. Good news and bad news from the Boss

First the sad news. Danny Federici died on April 17, 2008. I am a Springsteen and E Street Band addict. I have every single album going back to Greetings from Asbury Park, N.J. released in January 1973. And Danny has been there from the start. (Not me – I was hardly alive back then.) But Danny was there. Playing the organ and keyboard – and glockenspiel even. He was a centre piece in the E Street puzzle. Heart and soul. Heart and soul man. Danny. Phantom. Miami Dan. See you on the other side. On the Backstreets. Legend. No more words. It’s Danny. And he is gone. Long live Danny.

The Boss, Mr Springsteen for those non-believers, has officially endorsed Obama. In his words, Obama “speaks to the America I’ve envisioned in my music for the past 35 years.” But didn’t he do something similar in 2004? Actually, he didn’t. In 2004 he stood on an anti-Bush platform. Today the Boss is standing for something and someone. Obama.

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. They lost a legend. And they embraced another.

2. Africans let it all hang out

It’s almost summer and everyone is coming up with new ideas on how to save on gas and electricity. And no, I don’t mean not driving to the beach. I mean those house-bound chores. Well, you thought Earth Day might be big. Try National Hanging Out Day. That special day on April 19 when we celebrate the good old clothesline. Huh? You have a special day for this? For hanging clothes on a line outside? I know about hanging out. Do it at the bar as often as I can to save on water. And I know about letting it all hang out. Hey, we invented the lion-cloth remember. Sorry, I meant loincloth. Anyway, you decide whether you want to hang it out, hanging out or let it all hang out this Saturday. But whatever you do. The aim is to help nature and not to go el natural.

3. Popping pills – not so good

Just when we thought we had it down to a T. All this healthy living stuff. Most of the developing world live longer than ever before. And every single day they find new ways to warn us how we are going to either explode or wrinkle away any minute now. Today vitamins are taking a hit. Yep. Vitamins. Those pills you pop every morning. Those right next to the Meridia, Claritin, Celebrex, Lipitor, Prozac, Glucophage and Viagra. OK. Maybe not that last one so early in the morning. But we are constantly told about the new ways that we are going to die. Got diabetes? Catch 22. Drink the pill and die from heart disease. Drink water? Careful with all those chemicals inside. Eating oranges? Sorry, just a tad too much sugar. Running for fitness? Check the stress on your body mate. Yes. Every single day they find new ways for us to die. I guess we need new things to worry about now that most of us live longer. We are running out of ideas on what to be scared of. So what about that “new” last 20 years added to your life? Here, have these to worry about – just don’t drink the Kool-Aid. I think I will go and have a Whopper, a smoke and a Quad Venti Latte with loads of sugar and full cream milk please. I worry that if I don’t die younger I will die from worrying about what I might die of when I get too old. You know, I am running out of options on what to worry about if I live to long. Damn, the longer we live the more ways we find on how to die. Most healthy way of living according to the scary health quacks doctors and freaks experts? Don’t eat, don’t drink and don’t breathe. All of those have bad things that can make you die younger even though you live to a ripe old age nowadays. And the only way you can be in a state where you don’t eat, drink or breathe? Being dead. So the quicker you die the healthier you will be. Thanks Doc. I just remembered why I don’t visit so often anymore. I’ll just eat my apple a day. No?

4. Dude, the water is narly

Just when you thought it was safe to go into the water again… Well, actually it is safe to go into the water now. Sort of. The House of Reprehensibles, sorry – Representatives, just passed another law. This time to do something about that dirty sea water we all run to in summer. They’ll clean it up for us. (Hum, was hoping they could focus the cleaning on themselves a bit and not hang their dirty laundry for all to see.) Anyway, the water will hopefully be ready for all by summer. You would think this is a good thing hey? I beg to differ. Firstly, those damn Texans will now go to the US beaches instead of spending their dollars in my old hometown in South Africa – Cape Town. They’ll think the water is just as clean here as over there – so why go? We’ll miss their dollars man. (But not all of the Texans.) A good thing for America right? Not entirely… Think of those queues at the snack shop at the beach… And the queues at the ice-cream van… And the beached whales… Clean beaches and water will attract other less savory characters as well. The Brits and the Germans. The Brits out in the sun with nothing but a costume will blind you if the sun shines baby. Those are damn white bodies. Oh, I forgot – they turn red in an instant when the sun shines. But the Germans? Get used to the fact that they will take your spot on the beach and sit in their Lederhosen scanning the horizon. Don’t talk to them. They won’t know when you are serious or joking. They will laugh at anything. You know Germans and their fine-tuned humor right? Lastly, with the water nice and clear and clean – guess who else can see and smell so much better? Yes, that is a fin coming your way baby. Happy swimming. Or walking on water if I was you. See – even when the government does something right I can find fault… And I didn’t even get to the surfer part.

5. Old Man Nader

I know. I know I have been on about the age of McCain. Mac – the Old Man of the Siege. And make no mistake. He is old. But his problem isn’t him losing the power in his grip. It is that he already lost his grip on reality. The problem isn’t that he would be up in any case at 3 am for his toilet run. No, the problem is that he will make the wrong choice at 3 am. The problem isn’t his false teeth falling out. It is his false war policies falling flat. Yes, the Old Man of the Siege. But another old man is losing it just as quickly. That guy hiding behind the wall of shame. Old Man Nader. This is the guy who started a student revolution? Gotta be a long, long time ago. Well, he is older than even McCain. Nader – the student revolutionary. The man who created a student movement. The man who should be young at heart. You know. Down with us young ones (okay, I stretch it at my age). Asked whether he thinks the young voters will come out, he responded by saying, “if there was a draft they would. They sure would“. Ralph, Ralph, Ralph. You wouldn’t have achieved anything if you had this attitude back in the old days. You aren’t losing it. You have lost it. Less relevant than even in 2004. You’ve already lost the vote. Don’t let us start losing respect as well man.

Cheers people. Have a good one and see you later.

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For Love Of Water – Don’t go with the FLOW

I spend the last few days in NY and then Washington (sorry for the lack of blogging over the last few days – but I have a day job). I attended a few conferences that dealt with sustainability, climate change and everything else that the closest tree might need a hug for. My rants on that in the next few days. But I thought I would take some time out to go and watch a movie. And one without the kids. The last movie I saw on the big screen was about a big, bad ogre stomping through the woods, breaking trees and doing whatever harm he could to the environment – all while he was trying to become king while no one wanted him as king. And no, I am not talking about the Bush environmental policies.

I decided to go and see a movie that fit my image. You know, this caring, sensitive guy. The Brad Pitt of Africa. Minus the good looks, money, body, fame, star quality – okay, nothing like Brad Pitt. But I digress. I went to see FLOW – For Love Of Water. All about water and the problems we experience and will experience with water. It is serious stuff – water. We need it like oxygen. Can’t do without it unfortunately. And most people in this world do not have access to clean water. And kids die from drinking dirty, polluted every single day. Such a basic thing. You can turn on the tap, but they don’t even know what a tap is if it hit them in the throat. We are starting to run out of water in our little world. And it is again the poorest of the poor who are suffering and who will pay the ultimate price for this problem. You pay a few cents for your water – they pay with their life. So you can see I am pretty serious about this. It is a bigger problem in Africa than climate change or anything like that. And I was ready to fight the good fight for the umlungu who made this movie. Ready to go out and shout – Go with the FLOW! But alas, like so many other things it just left me more frustrated than what is good for me. Where do I start? Let’s start at their opening scene.

It takes place in my country – South Africa. In KwaZulu-Natal. Out there in the bundus. It shows a pretty picture of a small village on top of a hill. And then they start talking about the struggle people have in getting water. That they have to walk for miles to get water at the closest river. And then it is most likely dirty water. Of course it is all the governments fault. They don’t provide running water for the village. Oh, wait – there is a tap. But then the violin starts playing again. The tap doesn’t always work. People turn

 on the tap and have to wait for many minutes, maybe even for 30 minutes before the water starts running. And the narrator starts talking about how water should be provided to these villagers and it should be much better than what they have at the moment. Back off umlumgu. Let’s have another look at the scene. The bits you “forgot” to tell us.

Let us start by looking at the scene behind this village. What do you see? Another hill next to it. With another village. And this is repeated for as far as what the eye can see. They forgot to tell the moviegoer the proper name of this place. The Valley of a Thousand Hills. YES! There are hills everywhere. And villages on top of each hill. And it is high up. So here is your bloody problem with the tap water. They have to pump it all the way from the town that is 100s of miles away. And pump it uphill to a thousand 3 to 4 family villages. Problem one – because of the length and angle of the pipes the water runs back and settles when the tap is not running. So it takes a while for the water pressure to build up when you open the tap. Secondly, because you have to cover so many villages with one pump you just run out of power and water pressure. If 100 villages open the tap then there just isn’t enough pressure to serve a new one. A problem? Of course, but this was always an interim measure while the government tries to connect EVERYONE in South Africa. And it is still a damn lot better than walking to the river – I can promise you that. Don’t bring you western “easy-tap” attitude into our homes and say that this is all wrong. Your idea of what it should look like is based on your experience of having clean easy to use taps. Ours are having a tap. Really, KwaZulu-Natal have bigger things to worry about than how long we have to wait for the tap to work. It has the highest HIV/Aids rate in South Africa – rather think of how the hell do we get medicine and medical services to those 1000 villages where the roads are dirt roads and the people walk from place to place.

They then moved the scene over to Gauteng where they interviewed a guy who acts like an activist. I know him. I have had some experiences working with this guy in South Africa. He is no activist. He is a wannabe. He’ll sell his mother for a cause. He shouted a few slogans, but never got to a point. Why pick him? Why not pick someone who are actually respected in this field in South Africa – or why not the trade unions who have been fighting the water issue for more than 10 years already. No – you picked the guy who gave you the soundbite. Or rather a bark without any bite.

The movie wasn’t bad though. They addressed an important issue. And did so better than Black Gold – the movie about coffee. The India section was particularly good. But my experience of watching the South African bit and knowing their lies made me think that maybe they are lying elsewhere as well. There are more on South Africa – like the privatization debate, the price people pay (or rather don’t pay) etc that they did not cover in a transparent and open way. But I won’t go into that – I still have a flight to catch tonight. But a few more issues.

What’s with the bunch of white guys and girls? Every single time they interviewed a “global” expert they spoke to some or other lame westerner from the US or Canada. And when they went local? They’ll speak to a local person AND one of the so-called experts. Really. We don’t need a Canadian speaking on our behalf. And Canadians do NOT know everything about this world. They are not brighter than us. And I don’t care if you call her the Nader of Canada – we didn’t like Nader to start off with.

I went to the Premier of the movie. Impressive hey? Sorry – no red carpet. Only bad popcorn and hot tap water. But they did have Irena Salina there. Yes! The director. She’s French. So I guess that makes her even more untouchable in NY. Someone who cares and who has a cool accent. And after the showing they had a panel session with a few knowledgeable people their. All white. Damn. And damn again. They had Nader-Light from Canada there and someone from Corporate Accountability International (uh, not so international though – they work on almost only US issues) and some hippie from go-knows-where. I had no problem with the CAI person. She was young and passionate. And pitched her organization and their issues. The passion is still burning bright and making her miss a few key issues – but she was okay. Nothing wrong with passion – she’ll learn how to direct it a bit better in future. And we all have our hang ups. But the bloody hippie? Come on. He had his bushy hair and beard and all. And spoke about Thales (Greek philosopher of water and the “first” philosopher) as if they were mates. And he made about as much sense as what Thales would right now – in the original Greek. All about harmony and how he is bringing this gift of water knowledge to us, man (man said in that hippie smoked up way). Back off baby. Go get a haircut and stop smoking that weed. You know that it takes way too much water to produce your plant of wisdom. And in your case the ratio of water to wisdom does not make a pretty picture, man.

But not a single person from Africa or Latin America or Asia or remotely remote. No. All from around here and San Francisco. With all their wisdom. You could have saved the hippie from San Francisco and flown in anyone from my hometown and get more insight. Or just walk down the road to the UN to get a development voice. It just gets to me how they always have better ideas for how we should work and how others should help us. No. Talk to us baby. We suffer, not you. We know what we need and know how to get it. we have been doing it for longer than you. You with your tap and all.

But the thing that got to me the most? The blame game. They just kept on going on and on about the bloody problems in the world. The movie and the panel. How it is the fault of this one and that one. How the world is coming to an end and it is all the fault of the others. Where is the bloody solution? Not once did they actually come up with any solution. Actually, the movie did. They showed a guy in India who used traditional knowledge to make water work in the most wonderful way in a water scarce area. Clean drinking water and water for agriculture and everything. And that was it. No solution to the global problem. Just a few rants and raves and no solution. If only they brought that guy from India to the panel – he would have given them a few solutions. Oh sorry – he was busy solving the water crisis and couldn’t make it.