Only In America (or American Logic)

I love it over here. I really do. Wide open spaces. Warm and friendly people. Decent and tasty food. Almost everything you would want at a reasonable price. It’s still pretty good to live in the US. Even in these tough days of high oil and stupid wars. And almost everything being made outside the US. I drive a small(ish) car and preach peace. And buy Chinese made goodies. Life is good.

But Americans are also a funny bunch. A bit like the French. Just don’t tell them. Or the French for that matter. Yes. These Americans have their own style. Maybe style isn’t the right word. They have their own logic. The world looks a bit different through their lenses. They do things their way. The American way. They see things their way. They say things their way. And they have a different set of rules for themselves and for those who fall outside their borders. Not that they will acknowledge or know of those alleged countries outside the US. “I thought it was just a television show. It’s not real. Not like Star Wars.” Most of the time it is pretty funny. Sometimes not. Let’s try to stick to the funny stuff.

Africa?

Take old man McCain for instance. He climbed into Russia for invading Georgia. It all went very well. McCain showing some backbone. And then he blew it with an Americanism. He said, “In the 21st  century nations don’t invade other nations.” WTF? Remember 2003? Iraq? Are you just visiting there? Please don’t come over to my house for a visit please. Or at least check the guns, tanks and planes at the door please.

Now for the really funny stuff. And I mean it.

Have you been watching the Olympics? Been cool hey? But here’s the thing. You’ll have a slightly different view of the Olympics if you are from outside the US. Oh, I don’t mean that they only show US participants over here. That I get. I am in America. It’s cool. But the Olympic medal ranking… That’s another story. You know what system they use in the rest world for the official Olympic ranking system? The country with the most gold medals are on top and the little country with the least is right down there at the bottom. Makes sense. Right? Oh? Not here though. Over here they have America on top. They are way behind the Chinese when it comes to gold medals but that doesn’t matter. They argue that they have more of the other medals so they should be on top. And they’ll stick it where the medals don’t fit – just in case you wanna argue. American logic. Go figure.

And what’s up with Fahrenheit? It doesn’t make sense. You know there is no logic behind Fahrenheit right? Since when does water freeze at 32 degrees and boil at 212 degrees? You think there is logic behind that? Sorry to disappoint you. There isn’t. Let me give you a quote on how Mister Fahrenheit found zero… “Zero point is determined by placing the thermometer in a mixture of ice, water, and ammonium chloride, a salt. This is a type of frigorific mixture. The mixture automatically stabilizes its temperature at 0 °F. He then put an alcohol or mercury thermometer into the mixture and let the liquid in the thermometer descend to its lowest point.” WTF? Yeah… Right. What the heck is “frigorific?” Makes perfect sense. Like the World Series for American baseball teams… But then, Fahrenheit was German and I guess it was a German joke. And only Germans will get that. I mean really. They think the Hoff makes great music…

(Hum, Mister Celsius wasn’t actually that much better when he started off. He had boiling at zero degrees and freezing at 100 degrees at first. He was Swedish.)

And what’s up with the confusion between “d” and “t”. Americans throw a “d” in when it is meant to be a “t”. I have a permanent dig at my oldest daughter who keeps on telling me the “wada” is just great in the pond. What the hell is wada? New kind of fish? A luxury boat? Aah! Water. With a “t”. “Dwo slices of damado on my hoddog please. No kedchup.” Sounds like you are talking with a blocked noise. Here’s a hanky. And no, you can’t use it to cry in about getting your butt kicked at the Olympics. It could be worse. You could have a stupid President. Oops. Sorry. Didn’t mean to rub it in.

And how’s this “sue your ass off culture”? You heard about the woman who sued McDonald’s because they didn’t warn her that the coffee she just bought might be hot. And she won. Yes. She was from over here. But I got a few that might beat that one. And I am NOT joking.

A women from Dexas Texas won $80,000 after falling over a running toddler inside a furniture store. The owner was a bit surprised when he lost the case as it was her stupid kid that was running around and that she fell over.

A guy from LA won $74,000 when his neighbor ran over his hand with is car. The guy didn’t see his neighbor behind the wheel. He was too busy trying to steal the hubcaps.

A guy broke into a house while the owners were away on holiday. He tried to leave via the garage. But couldn’t open the door. And he accidentally locked the door to the house behind him. So he was stuck. For eight days. He sued the insurance company because of the mental anguish he suffered while being stuck in the garage and only being able to survive on some Pepsi he found in the garage. The jury gave him $500,000. Fair enough. I am a Coke man myself.

Another guy got $14,000 after his neighbor’s dog bit him in the ass. The dog was chained in the neighbor’s yard. The jury thought that the guy shouldn’t get the full amount he asked for because just maybe the dog was provoked when the guy climbed over the fence and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

A woman from Philly won $113,000 after she slipped on cooldrink (soda) that was lying on the floor. How did it get there? Oh, it was the cooldrink she threw at her boyfriend 30 second earlier.

But the best is the woman who bought a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from a football game, just after she hit the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 miles per hour and got up and went to the back to make herself a sandwich. WTF? Apparently she was very surprised when the Winnebago left the road and crashed. She sued Winnebago for not telling her that she couldn’t do this. I mean really. What else could “cruise control” stand for? She won $1,750,000 and a new Winnebago. Winnebago also changed their manual afterwards. I think instruction number one should read, “Are you American?”…

A last few things that you can only get in America:

You can get pizza delivered faster than an ambulance would get to your house.

Pharmacies (drugstores) make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

People order double cheese burgers, large fries, and… a diet Coke.

And last question. Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?

Only in America. Gotta love it.

I do.

_____________________________

Note: I did some research on these court cases and comments. Someone commented on how ridiculous they are. especially the woman who won the Winnebago case. His comment is one of the best I have ever seen. Here it is…

“I think I’ll sue Hustler for giving my wrist carpal tunnel syndrome.”

 

Views on the Weakly News™

Another week. And more of the weak.

1. Good news and bad news from the Boss

First the sad news. Danny Federici died on April 17, 2008. I am a Springsteen and E Street Band addict. I have every single album going back to Greetings from Asbury Park, N.J. released in January 1973. And Danny has been there from the start. (Not me – I was hardly alive back then.) But Danny was there. Playing the organ and keyboard – and glockenspiel even. He was a centre piece in the E Street puzzle. Heart and soul. Heart and soul man. Danny. Phantom. Miami Dan. See you on the other side. On the Backstreets. Legend. No more words. It’s Danny. And he is gone. Long live Danny.

The Boss, Mr Springsteen for those non-believers, has officially endorsed Obama. In his words, Obama “speaks to the America I’ve envisioned in my music for the past 35 years.” But didn’t he do something similar in 2004? Actually, he didn’t. In 2004 he stood on an anti-Bush platform. Today the Boss is standing for something and someone. Obama.

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. They lost a legend. And they embraced another.

2. Africans let it all hang out

It’s almost summer and everyone is coming up with new ideas on how to save on gas and electricity. And no, I don’t mean not driving to the beach. I mean those house-bound chores. Well, you thought Earth Day might be big. Try National Hanging Out Day. That special day on April 19 when we celebrate the good old clothesline. Huh? You have a special day for this? For hanging clothes on a line outside? I know about hanging out. Do it at the bar as often as I can to save on water. And I know about letting it all hang out. Hey, we invented the lion-cloth remember. Sorry, I meant loincloth. Anyway, you decide whether you want to hang it out, hanging out or let it all hang out this Saturday. But whatever you do. The aim is to help nature and not to go el natural.

3. Popping pills – not so good

Just when we thought we had it down to a T. All this healthy living stuff. Most of the developing world live longer than ever before. And every single day they find new ways to warn us how we are going to either explode or wrinkle away any minute now. Today vitamins are taking a hit. Yep. Vitamins. Those pills you pop every morning. Those right next to the Meridia, Claritin, Celebrex, Lipitor, Prozac, Glucophage and Viagra. OK. Maybe not that last one so early in the morning. But we are constantly told about the new ways that we are going to die. Got diabetes? Catch 22. Drink the pill and die from heart disease. Drink water? Careful with all those chemicals inside. Eating oranges? Sorry, just a tad too much sugar. Running for fitness? Check the stress on your body mate. Yes. Every single day they find new ways for us to die. I guess we need new things to worry about now that most of us live longer. We are running out of ideas on what to be scared of. So what about that “new” last 20 years added to your life? Here, have these to worry about – just don’t drink the Kool-Aid. I think I will go and have a Whopper, a smoke and a Quad Venti Latte with loads of sugar and full cream milk please. I worry that if I don’t die younger I will die from worrying about what I might die of when I get too old. You know, I am running out of options on what to worry about if I live to long. Damn, the longer we live the more ways we find on how to die. Most healthy way of living according to the scary health quacks doctors and freaks experts? Don’t eat, don’t drink and don’t breathe. All of those have bad things that can make you die younger even though you live to a ripe old age nowadays. And the only way you can be in a state where you don’t eat, drink or breathe? Being dead. So the quicker you die the healthier you will be. Thanks Doc. I just remembered why I don’t visit so often anymore. I’ll just eat my apple a day. No?

4. Dude, the water is narly

Just when you thought it was safe to go into the water again… Well, actually it is safe to go into the water now. Sort of. The House of Reprehensibles, sorry – Representatives, just passed another law. This time to do something about that dirty sea water we all run to in summer. They’ll clean it up for us. (Hum, was hoping they could focus the cleaning on themselves a bit and not hang their dirty laundry for all to see.) Anyway, the water will hopefully be ready for all by summer. You would think this is a good thing hey? I beg to differ. Firstly, those damn Texans will now go to the US beaches instead of spending their dollars in my old hometown in South Africa – Cape Town. They’ll think the water is just as clean here as over there – so why go? We’ll miss their dollars man. (But not all of the Texans.) A good thing for America right? Not entirely… Think of those queues at the snack shop at the beach… And the queues at the ice-cream van… And the beached whales… Clean beaches and water will attract other less savory characters as well. The Brits and the Germans. The Brits out in the sun with nothing but a costume will blind you if the sun shines baby. Those are damn white bodies. Oh, I forgot – they turn red in an instant when the sun shines. But the Germans? Get used to the fact that they will take your spot on the beach and sit in their Lederhosen scanning the horizon. Don’t talk to them. They won’t know when you are serious or joking. They will laugh at anything. You know Germans and their fine-tuned humor right? Lastly, with the water nice and clear and clean – guess who else can see and smell so much better? Yes, that is a fin coming your way baby. Happy swimming. Or walking on water if I was you. See – even when the government does something right I can find fault… And I didn’t even get to the surfer part.

5. Old Man Nader

I know. I know I have been on about the age of McCain. Mac – the Old Man of the Siege. And make no mistake. He is old. But his problem isn’t him losing the power in his grip. It is that he already lost his grip on reality. The problem isn’t that he would be up in any case at 3 am for his toilet run. No, the problem is that he will make the wrong choice at 3 am. The problem isn’t his false teeth falling out. It is his false war policies falling flat. Yes, the Old Man of the Siege. But another old man is losing it just as quickly. That guy hiding behind the wall of shame. Old Man Nader. This is the guy who started a student revolution? Gotta be a long, long time ago. Well, he is older than even McCain. Nader – the student revolutionary. The man who created a student movement. The man who should be young at heart. You know. Down with us young ones (okay, I stretch it at my age). Asked whether he thinks the young voters will come out, he responded by saying, “if there was a draft they would. They sure would“. Ralph, Ralph, Ralph. You wouldn’t have achieved anything if you had this attitude back in the old days. You aren’t losing it. You have lost it. Less relevant than even in 2004. You’ve already lost the vote. Don’t let us start losing respect as well man.

Cheers people. Have a good one and see you later.

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An African in America – open the door and run!

A was talking to a friend of mine this morning about a book she was reading – What is the What by Dave Eggers. It’s all about the journey of a Sudanese refugee fleeing the war and ending up living in America. In all honesty, it is not my kind of book. It’s too tough to read. Too much suffering for me to handle. I am a coward in that way. It will drive me crazy if I know anything more than what I already know. I am too consumed by it and it will take over my life more than what it has already. But that’s not the point of this blog.

She was telling me this story of how this young guy walked from Sudan to safety. And it took him a bit longer because he had to do it without a GPS system. Surprisingly enough GPS systems do not come standard with your refugee vehicle – your feet. But he made it to safety eventually. And he landed up in the US – safety at last. Or was it?

He managed to find a place to stay in the US – Atlanta. Not a posh area – just your run of the mill tough US district. But he had a home. And he was sure he was safer in this “mildly” tough area compared to Sudan. And then, one night, he heard banging on his door. And with it came a shout for help. It was a female voice crying out for him to please open the door and help her. Of course he was going to help her. I mean really – he was alive because there were people out there who helped him. And he owed society at least a little bit of humanity to help when others are in need. So he opened the door to help. And hell came with it.

He was robbed. And then he was beaten and held captive in his Atlanta apartment. Welcome to the world. Welcome to the world where you are never safe. But this isn’t about his story. This isn’t about finding a place where one can just have an opportunity to make your own way. That’s what the book is for – feel free to go and read it. This is about the difference between knowing your enemies in Africa and not knowing in America. This is about how a different culture makes it more difficult to survive in a safe place than in a place of war and genocide.

You see, the problem is that in Africa you can see your enemy. You can see those who want to hurt you or kill you. It is in their eyes. It is in their voices. It is in their faces. It is in the panga in their hands. You see it straight away. The hatred is there for you to see and for you to run away from. They don’t try and be your friend first. They don’t try to make as if they need something from you. No. They come for you and you flee or you die. No hidden agenda. Just hate and murder. And you see it from a mile away.

But in the US, and most “western” countries, those who want to kill you will hide behind a veneer of decency. They will try to be your friend or try to get you to relax by “selling” you a story. “Help! Please help me!” And you open the door and they come for you. But by then it is too late. And the hate is hidden as well. Even when they rob you and beat you up you don’t always see the hate in their eyes or hear the hatred in their voices. No. Many times you will hear laughter in their voice as they beat you up and kick you and spit on you. Or call you names.

I am not saying that the one is right and the other one is wrong. All I am saying is that hate comes in different forms. For us from Africa we can see it immediately. And we can run. We can survive on gut instinct because it is easy to read the other person like an open book. But it makes it so much more difficult when you are then transplanted into a new country. Where the hatred is hidden. And the intent is hidden. You will get beaten up because your gut is so out of tune.

Maybe it is because Africans are so “honest” to the bone. We hate you? No problem. We’ll show you we hate you. We’ll beat you up or kill you. No problem. We like you? No problem. We’ll show you we like you. We’ll invite you into our homes and share a few beers and laughter. No problem. In Africa you know when you are in sh*t and you get that chance to run because you can see it coming from miles away.

But it is also the reason why we are so easy to get along with. Love comes just as easily as hatred. We love you or we hate you. No problem. We will give you everything and trust you completely when we love you. And we love more than we hate – no matter how much you see the bad side of the story. You need 10% of a population to live in hate to cause anarchy and genocide for the other 90%. But what you see is what you get.

When I first started traveling across the world I had a problem in countries outside of Africa. I never felt safe in NY, London, Paris or anywhere. Give me the streets of Lusaka, Bamako, Johannesburg or any African city any time. Okay, maybe not Johannesburg. But you know what I mean. I feel safer in the streets of Africa than in the West. I just knew how to fit in when I get to the African destinations. It is in my blood and I can subconsciously make an assessment about my safety. Never had to think about it. I just got into the city and knew whether I was safe or not. I felt safe in Nigeria and Zimbabwe. Because I just felt safe. Can’t explain it. But not outside Africa. I couldn’t read these new places. It wasn’t in my DNA. It isn’t that bad anymore. I have been living in the UK and now the US for almost 6 years. And I have a better “feel” of where I am than before. But I still “relax” more when I feel the African soil under my feet.

This principle goes for doing business in Africa too. In Africa you will never be taken for a ride if you know how to see the person on the other side. We know when they are trying to take us for a ride. And they know we know as well. Why do you think they are so open about that “facilitation fee” at immigration in so many African countries? Because it is no secret that they take money from people. So why keep it a “secret” when everyone knows? Even our corruption is open and transparent!

But in a good business deal everything evolves around the shake of a hand and a look in the eye. If someone gives you their word and look you in the eye you are halfway there. What you should do to make it impossible for them to take you for a ride is meet their family, share a beer and a meal, and tell them about your family and life. Now they know you. And if they shake your hand and look you in the eyes and tell you that you have a deal they mean it. You have a deal and they will do everything to make that deal stand. (Of course you still have to overcome the principle of “African time”. But that is for another day).

In short. Business is done on the word between people. My word is worth more than anything else you can offer. If I give you my word I can do nothing but stick to that word. Yes, there is honor amongst thieves in this way. Tomorrow I might rip someone else off because I never gave them my word. But it is a new day and a new person. It has no relation to the deal between us today. See – even hypocrisy has a different meaning in Africa…

But if you do business in the US you expect a different set of business rules. Get that contract signed and read the fine print. That’s the deal between people. Not your spoken word. But your written words. And signature. Nothing wrong with that – this isn’t a judgement. It’s just a different way of doing business.

But in Africa that contract will mean nothing. It is just a piece of paper with a few (or many) words on it that I don’t even understand. It is legal talk – just another way of saying I nailed you on paper. But that piece of paper is useless if you didn’t first got to know the person signing the contract. You still have to meet the family, have a few beers and a meal, and shake their hand and look them in the eyes. If you haven’t? Then go and use that piece of paper in the more traditional way behind the bush over there.

As I said, this isn’t a judgement call on either of these cultures. It’s just a reminder that we are wired differently. We carry our emotions on our sleeves a  bit more. Maybe because we don’t have too many options. Because just as easily as what we can read other people – they can read us. They know us within a second. And they know whether they need to run or hug. With me? I live on two principles. One, I am a hugger and a lover not a fighter. Two, it is difficult to hit me on the nose if I run away with my back turned towards you.

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